Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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