my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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