College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
