i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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