this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
