i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
