I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
