omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
