I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My breath smells like gin and sadness
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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