My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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