i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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