Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
