I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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