True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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