if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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