im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
