elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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