we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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