I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
