Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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