she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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