Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
