Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
