I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
