so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
