That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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