I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
