I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
