Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
