I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
