if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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