come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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