She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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