she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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