How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
