If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
