I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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