At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
