Your face is a jimmy john
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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