Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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