i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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