morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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