On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
