Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
