she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
