so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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