I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
