I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
