walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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