Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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