Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
