We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
