i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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