I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
